Thursday, April 3, 2014

Rewrite business letter1-Make it is clear

Letter1
Dear Mr. Amponza:

It is with great pleasure that I am sending you this message for the purpose of following up on your phone call on the date of June 9th. I have checked with one of our computer technicians and there is a good possibility that he may be able to provide your company with the assistance you have requested. He is available on June 16th and will be at your head office by 9:00 a.m. In the event that he cannot make it on that date, we will inform you by way of a phone call the day before.

Sincerely,

Doug Brown

Rewrite1 (please give me some feedback, thank you all)

Dear Amponza,

I was writing for following up on your phone call of June 9th.

I had checked with our computer technicians, he is available to provide assistance to your company on June 16th, and he will be your head office by 9:00am.If he can't make it on that date, we'll inform you by phone as soon as possible.

If you have any question, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Sincerely,

Dung Brown

5 comments:

  1. Hi Zoe, Good job for continuing to write :) I have some feedback:

    -What's "Make it is clear"?
    -Since it's a business letter, it has to be formal. This means you have to address your recipient as Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Sir or Madam, otherwise it's as if you're talking to a friend=informal.
    -Use present tense when writing a letter, or else it sounds odd.

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  2. -The 1st sentence should be "I am writing to follow up on..."
    -In the sentence "I had(have) checked with our..." the technicians is plural, but you also use "he" as referring to a single person.
    -Since it's a business letter, avoid using apostrophes, say [can not] instead of [can't], or [do not] instead of [don't].

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. Dear Amponza,

    I am writing for following up on your phone call of June 9th.

    I have checked with our computer technicians, we are available to provide assistance to your company on June 16th, and we will be your head office by 9:00am.If our plan has any change, we'll inform you by phone as soon as possible.

    If you have any question, please don't hesitate to let me know.

    Sincerely,

    Dung Brown

    ReplyDelete
  5. First sentence should be "I am writing TO follow up on your phone call of June 9th".
    why? because you say i am writing to do something, not for doing something. It is a bit confusing coz' when you ask the question, you would say "What are you writing for?" But in answering, you would say I am writing TO follow up....
    I have checked with our computer technicians, and we are available to provide assistance to your company on June 16th. We will be AT your head office by 9:00 am. If there are any changes, we will inform you by phone as soon as possible.
    If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to let me know.
    I think you are heading in the right direction, but you need to work on your prepositions. How do you know what goes with what? Well, there aren't very many logical rules, you just need to remember what prepositions to use.
    Hope that was helpful....

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